I was returning from India, back to the US, earlier this month. The flight was via Frankfurt, and I was more than glad to have gotten off Lufthansa’s straight-jacket style coach seats, and was actually looking forward to the merely-claustrophobia-inducing seats on US Airways. I made my way to into the aircraft half-dazed and half cursing all of the sadistic airline industry which seems to take immense pleasure on first parading you through all the comforts of business class and then sticking you in the Pig Pen more commonly referred to as ‘Economy’.
Anywayz, I digress. Coming to the whole point of this post (assuming there is one), I made myself comfortable (to the extent possible) on my aisle seat, and this woman walks up to me all cheerful and friendly. She says her seat’s the one next to mine at the window. I think I should pause here to describe my mental state at this point. I was rudely woken up when my flight landed in Frankfurt, and was trying wake up and compose myself when I found myself stuck in the serpentine line to a security check! I was changing planes within an airport. Why would you need to do a security check! Its not like anyone can smuggle something in-between! So yeah, I was annoyed with that. After that they tell me that I have to have my boarding passes reissued because US airways would like to have its passenger board with boarding passes issued by US airways alone, and not the one’s issued by Lufthansa, why? Because the entire airlines industry is sadistic and paranoid, and yeah, probably because I am not white; hell! for all I know, its because the US airways CEO isn’t getting laid enough. In either case, I really don’t care, and I am really getting close to the edge of my composure right now.
At the end of all this, while I am on my last nerve, and desperately trying to get into my seat and be comfortably unsociable for the rest of the flight, in walks this cheerful woman who, thanks to all the disasters human kind has had to suffer, is now my co-passenger. Well, that did it. I was officially pissed. But I didn’t really want to make a scene, so I did what I am usually good at: ignored her (at least mentally). She did her thing with her carry on and then got into her seat.
I really wanted to be left alone but, much to my dismay, she was feeling quite sociable. She started talking about some guy from Beruit who she was talking to in the airport lounge who wasn’t allowed on the flight. Forced to respond, I mumbled something about irrational paranoia and discrimination. Well, that topic was done with, and she started off on the next one. She wanted to know where I was from, how India was, and where I was going to, and what I doing yada-yada-yada. I, grudgingly, replied to her, and then she was looking at me expecting me to ask her about her. I could really have cared less if she disappeared in a puff of smoke, well actually, I would have been glad about it. But alas, she was still there, and so I had to make small talk. Well, shit!
So I started with the same questions. “Where are you from?”, “New York! Can’t you see the New York accent working here?”, her accent honestly did NOT sound like a New Yorkers, I had pegged her for someone from East Europe. But then, she had convinced herself that she spoke like a New Yorker… well, aint that precious! Anywayz, I digress again.
So yeah, as it turns out she is an asylee from from Albania (aha! I knew she was Eastern European!) who has lived in New York for over 15 years, and works as a bartender. Excellent! Now that I have dispensed the polite lip-service I figured I could go back to minding my business while she does the same. I was back on my iPod and Nintendo DS for about two minutes, and she’s attempting communication again! Jeez! What is she? Some deep space alien trying to make contact?!?
As it turns out, she wanted to talk about her visit to Germany, her family in Albania, and how much she wants to go back. I pretended to be sympathetic to her not realizing that I was drawing myself deeper and deeper into an involved conversation. The next thing you know she has pulled out her family album from her carry-on! Oh Lord! Please, have mercy and strike me now!
Apparently, the Lord is in an unforgiving mood, and I am still here. Out come the photos, and a commentary to go with it. Now these persistent attempts at socializing has sort of had an effect on me (I grudgingly admit), and I started warming up to the conversation, and we started talking. At this point her says that she could really use a cigarette. We still had over 5-6 hours to fly. Well, that was when things started going downhill. Note to self: Never underestimate the impact of nicotine withdrawal.
What followed was an interesting ambivalence in her tone and mannerisms. At times she would act very friendly towards me, bring me water and pretzels from the back on her own accord, and other times act less amused, but never really rude or stand-offish. She even offered me a beer! So I figured that the least I could do was buy her a drink at the airport when we land.
As the journey progresses she was increasingly acrimonious towards everyone except me. I became her confidant of sorts. She would voice all her complaints and grievances to me, like I was her shrink or something. Come to think of it, maybe she does need one! Anywayz, every air-hostess who came a second too late was a bitch, and any interruption by the captain to update us of the journey and landing was uncalled for, and he was an asshole. In the meantime she took immense interest in some other girl who was sitting close to us, and apparently this girl brought out the lesbian in her! I was back to praying the lord again “Please Lord, do me a favor and strike me down now. Even decompression will do, I’ll take an icy death over insane confessions any day!”
This lady hit her belligerent best when the customs and immigration forms were distributed. She didn’t care what it was and why it was needed. At this point, the INS, FAA, US Dept of Homeland Security were all a bunch of assholes and bitches who can kiss her Albanian behind! After a careful series of sympathetic responses and feigned ignorance, I got away unscathed from her unmerciful torrent of epithets. Nicotine is much like God, it works in mysterious ways! Especially on New Yorkers, or maybe it Albanians, anywayz… I digress.
Finally, the plane landed and we all got out. As we were walking towards immigration, I figured I do owe her a drink. After all she did give me one. but was I slowed down for her her reaction was “You don’t have to slow down for me! We are not together!” Finally, my diplomatic immunity had expired. The last traces of Nicotine had finally left her bloodstream, and she couldn’t tell friends apart from foes anymore. Shaking my head in sympathy, I gave her the I-am-giving-you-the-finger look, and walked on.
Was it the smoker, the New Yorker, or the Albanian with all the drama? Or a combination of all three? I’ll never know… and could care less. Hey, looking on the bright side, the episode gave me something to talk about! :)
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